


What About Trust?

by Jennifew



Category: Torchwood
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-21
Updated: 2018-10-21
Packaged: 2019-08-05 04:14:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,751
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16360577
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jennifew/pseuds/Jennifew
Summary: The investigation into the Church of the Outsiders raised some issues for Ianto regarding his relationship with Jack.  Issues he's not sure he can accept.Takes place after Believe, but shouldn't require any knowledge of the audios (including that one).





	What About Trust?

**Author's Note:**

> For the purposes of this story, I'm setting Believe between Something Borrowed and From Out of the Rain. (...I just realised I can't remember if there's mention of whether or not Gwen's married yet in Believe. If there is, and she isn't...oops?)

They finished wrapping up the case as quickly as possible, with little chatter. Tosh was ignoring Owen, who actually seemed to be apologising--though for what, Ianto neither knew nor, at the moment, particularly cared--and Gwen was occupied with having Andromeda sectioned. Jack had holed himself up in his office once he'd finally returned, which suited Ianto just fine. He had some thinking to do, and even on his best behaviour Jack had a tendency to be a hindrance rather than a help.

As soon as his report had been written, Ianto took it to Jack's office for his signature (or, more likely, to sit on his desk for a week before Ianto gave up and forged the signature himself), collecting Tosh's report as well on his way past her workstation. Gwen had already left, as usual, and by the sound of it Owen was throwing things about down in the autopsy bay, so their reports would have to wait till the morning. Even in the unlikely event they'd actually written them without his badgering, Ianto didn't feel up to searching for them tonight.

Thanks to a rather heated phone call, he managed to slip into Jack's office, set the file on his desk, and slip out again without being expected to say anything, and soon Ianto was able to make his escape entirely.

He'd only been at his flat for a little over half an hour when a familiar, heavy-handed knock sounded at the door. For a moment he debated not answering, but that would only postpone the inevitable. Knowing Jack, said postponement would only last until he broke down the door or picked the lock. Either way, Ianto might as well open it himself.

"Hey, you kinda disappeared on me there," Jack said without preamble, inviting himself into the flat. He was prattling on about what to order for dinner when Ianto cut him off.

"Actually, I'm not feeling much like company tonight," he said firmly.

Jack paused, clearly taken aback, before asking in that tone of genuine concern that made it so difficult for Ianto to stick to his resolve, "Are you all right, Ianto? No effects from the gas? I told Owen to check you over--"

"He did, and I'm fine. Bit of minor surgery scheduled for the morning to remove something the Grey implanted in my shoulder, but Owen said it looked harmless for the moment. Lungs are clear. I just...need some time to think."

"Think? About what?"

"It's complicated."

"Try me."

Ianto sighed. He didn't really want to have this discussion standing just inside his door, but suggesting they sit down would likely make it harder to get Jack to leave. "It's just.... I know they were a cult, and I got quite good at recognising when someone's being manipulative--I worked closely with Yvonne Hartman for two years, after all, so I've learnt all the tricks--but some of the things Erin said when I was undercover have been bothering me. Just because someone has an ulterior motive doesn't automatically mean they're wrong. And my thoughts are in a bit of a jumble at the moment, so I'd really appreciate some time to think things through before being asked to explain further."

"Okay, okay, I can take a hint," Jack said. Ianto refrained from commenting, but it wasn't easy. "You'll talk to me when you've got whatever-it-is figured out?"

That sort of casual expectation was part of the problem, but Ianto didn't want to get into that just yet, so he simply nodded, grateful when Jack actually left it at that and said goodnight rather than pressing the issue.

Unfortunately, the only thing he'd decided by the next day was that he needed more time to think. He did owe Jack an explanation, though, since he knew he would never be able to determine what he wanted without at least some distance, so once the others were gone for the night he braced himself for yet another uncomfortably revealing conversation and entered Jack's office.

"Coffee?"

"Thanks, Ianto. You ready to tell me what that was all about last night?"

He set Jack's mug on the desk, then took his own over to the sofa. "That first night I was undercover, I was given an...intake interview, of sorts, I suppose. You know, asked questions that were ostensibly to establish where I was in their whole 'path back to the stars' thing, but really designed to start separating me from the life I had before I joined. I know you sympathise with the beliefs they espouse, Jack, but even after having only been inside for an hour I could already see it really is just another cult."

"Yeah, yeah, whatever. What does this have to do with you not wanting company?"

"I'm getting there." Ianto took a sip of coffee, trying to get his thoughts back in order. Sometimes talking to Jack would be so much easier if he didn't keep injecting himself into the conversation. Which didn't entirely make sense, maybe, but was true nonetheless. "One of the things they ask is whether you'd ever had anyone in your life who you could trust completely. And they defined that as someone who'd never lied to you, even by omission, someone who shared everything with you. Which of course is an impossible standard, but they then tell you you have that within the group. Naturally, as you've only just joined, you've barely met any group members at that point and they haven't exactly had time to tell--or not tell--you much of anything, so it's technically true that they have never lied to you, but meaningless...."

"Ianto--"

"Let me finish, Jack, please?"

"All right, I'm sorry. Go on."

"Just to be clear, I'm well aware that their definition of trust is unrealistic. If people told each other absolutely everything about themselves, they'd never have time to do anything else. And of course some things are private--I know I have things I'd prefer never to talk about, and I'm more than willing to allow others that as well. Some things are irrelevant, or inconsequential, or just forgotten until they happen to come up. And that's fine. The thing is, you asked me yesterday if I trusted you, and I said that I don't know why I do."

"I remember."

"I meant it, Jack, I honestly don't know. Despite everything we've been through in the past, I trust you, tell you--not everything, not literally, but anything that seems important or relevant, and many things that are neither. But in return, you...you don't trust me at all, do you?"

"What, because I didn't tell you I'd been talking to Val?" Jack was getting defensive, which would only make him harder to reason with. Not for the first time, Ianto wished he were better with words.

"I don't care that you spend some of your free time discussing other planets, or aliens, or whatever you discussed with the leader of a cult. I truly don't, Jack; it falls under the 'inconsequential' category. But once Owen found that video and opened his investigation, it became Torchwood business. And your personal connection to an active case is very much relevant, Jack. All the more so as you knew I was being sent undercover and might run into you there. At that point, you should have told me, even if you didn't want to tell the others. Because yes, after seeing that video they did become a bit...antagonistic. But I was willing to give you the benefit of the doubt, and you should have known that. And it wasn't even anything that's particularly painful or private--'yes, I know the woman in charge, we share similar ideals, but I don't know anything about what Owen found.' That's all it would have taken, but even that was too much for you to share."

"Ianto--"

"And the worst part," he forged on, needing to get this said while he still could, "is that this wasn't a one-time thing. You may not know everything about me, but you know far more than I know about you, and you expect it to stay that way. Even this very conversation is happening because I said I had something to think about, and you demanded I tell you what that was."

"I hardly think that's fair--"

"None of this is fair, Jack! I know we've had our issues in the past, on both sides, but I honestly thought we'd moved past them. But you haven't, have you? And now I have to decide whether that's something I can live with."

"What are you saying?"

Ianto took a deep breath; this was not something he'd been looking forward to doing. "I'm saying, I need time. I need to take a step back from our--from us, until I know whether or not I can accept how one-sided this is. I need time to think without being distracted by you being you, and the sex, and the way you always make it seem like you're revealing something when you're actually deflecting. You're all smoke and mirrors sometimes, Jack, and what I definitely _don't_ need right now is your verbal sleight-of-hand muddling my thought process. I see no reason for this to affect our working relationship, but the late nights at the Hub and dropping by my flat are going to have to be put on hold for the time being."

"I see." Jack appeared to be holding back a further response; since Ianto suspected it would be the sort of thing Jack would regret later, but never apologise for, he was grateful for the restraint.

"You are...who you are. And I've always done my best to accept that and not try to change you. All I'm asking for now is a chance to decide whether I can keep doing that without adversely affecting who _I_ am. Because I need not only to trust the person I'm with, but to know they trust me. And right now, with you, I don't have that. Maybe...maybe in the end that doesn't matter as much as I've always thought it did. I don't know. But I need time to figure it out."

"Fine. Have it your way."

Jack turned ostentatiously to the files on his desk, and Ianto held back a sigh at his petulance. On the one hand, this was better than having Jack lash out, as he was wont to do whenever someone told him something he really didn't want to hear. On the other, Ianto wasn't sure if that was because Jack was afraid he'd say something unforgivable and was holding back, or because he just didn't care enough to explode the way he tended to do with, say, Gwen. Either way, he needed to get out of there, back to his flat, where he could hopefully let go of some of the tension that had had him wound up all day, knowing this conversation was coming.

For the second night in a row, Ianto got little sleep. One of the downsides of this whole mess was that without Jack, he had no way to get his brain to turn off and just let him _be_ , without all the thoughts constantly swirling about. None short of drinking himself into a stupor, that is, and the last thing he'd need in the morning was a hangover making it harder to maintain his resolve against whatever persuasion Jack might bring to bear.

And Jack could be very persuasive.

Which, frankly, was part of the problem. Every time he thought about getting out while he still could, or even just trying to work up the nerve to confront Jack about the myriad little things he did without thinking about them that ended up hurting Ianto, Jack would go and give him a look, or a kiss, or--on the really special occasions--even actual words, _anything_ that seemed to imply.... And Ianto's determination to stand up for himself would just melt away, whether he wanted it to or not.

Not this time. He'd finally spoken up, and now he was going to see this through, make a proper choice as to what he was and wasn't willing to accept as part of the price for being with Jack Harkness.

It wasn't easy, but when morning came he went to the Hub early, as usual, and prepared for the others to arrive. Jack kept his distance as promised, but seemed a little stilted in the morning meeting. Not enough for the others to have picked up on, not yet, but--distracted. Not speaking to Ianto unless absolutely necessary. Almost as though he wasn't sure of his welcome, despite Ianto's having expressly said their working relationship didn't need to change.

Ianto didn't like it when Jack seemed unsure of himself, and he liked being the reason for it even less. He also appreciated Jack's attempt at respecting the boundaries he'd set, but he was going to cause talk among the rest of the team if he didn't relax soon. Ianto _hated_ being the topic of speculation; best reassure Jack before he could go too far.

He was sort-of-dating someone at _least_ old enough to be his grandfather, so why was it always up to Ianto to be the mature one?

When it came time for the mid-morning round of coffees, he made sure to prepare Jack's with the special blend and waited for him to take a sip. When Jack's eyebrows flew up in surprise, he explained, "Thank you for trying, but did you miss the part about nothing changing at work? I need to think, not avoid you entirely."

"I wasn't sure how much 'space' you were asking for," Jack admitted.

"Not _that_ much. If nothing else, do you really want the others hounding you for an explanation? I certainly don't." Jack snorted agreement. "For another...even in a worst case scenario, I should hope our friendship would survive. I _thought_ it was separate from our...physical relationship."

"It was! It is. But in my experience, when someone from this century says they need space, they want to limit interaction to what's absolutely necessary."

"Fair enough," Ianto conceded, "but not this time. When I reach a decision either way, you'll know; until then...relax a bit, would you? We've always worked easily together, aside from those times when one of us wanted to kill the other, and I see no reason for that to change."

"What, you mean you _don't_ want to kill me right now?" Jack's tone was joking, but judging from the look in his eyes he was actually worried. Maybe not about murderous impulses, but certainly at how angry Ianto might be at him.

Ianto sighed, and tried once more to explain. "Call it...reassessing my assumptions."

"Whatever that means."

"It means you don't open up to people, Jack--and that's coming from me. I'd always thought that, like for me, it would happen with time. That as we got closer, the trust necessary to share bits of what we each keep close would develop on both sides, not just one. That's clearly not happening, so I'm trying to decide just how important that is to me. That's all. I said last night I have no intention of asking you to change who you are, but I've realised I've been wrong about who that is, in some ways. Or maybe I'm right, and you do work that way, just...not with me. Either way, I need to make sure I'm not harbouring unrealistic expectations. If knowing absolutely nothing about you, even inconsequential things, is something I decide I can live with, nothing needs to change. If not...better we realise it now, don't you think?"

"So...you're not mad at me?"

"Maybe a little," he said with a shrug. "But I'm more angry with myself. I don't like being wrong," he added wryly. "After your return...I thought things were going to be different. And they are, to an extent, just--not quite how I expected."

"Ianto--"

"So stop being quite so distant," he continued sternly, "or I'll tell anyone who asks me what's going on with us that they have to ask you. And you know Gwen would never let it go."

The laughter that followed him out the door was just the reaction he'd been hoping for. That didn't make the threat any less genuine.

Slowly Jack did start to settle back into something approximating their usual workday interactions. A little less flirting, and a lot less inappropriate touching when the others weren't around, but nothing that the rest of the team seemed to pick up on. Or if they did, no one was saying anything around Ianto, so he counted that as a win.

Despite Ianto's resolve, maintaining the distance he'd asked for wasn't easy. When he read about the re-opening of the Electro, his first instinct was to tell Jack, suggest they go. It was the sort of thing they both became nostalgic about, albeit for very different reasons. Under other circumstances, he would be telling Jack about how Saturday mornings at the Electro were nearly the only good memories he had of his father; now, however, he wasn't exactly inclined to confide in someone who never confided in him.

He still wanted to attend the opening, though, and while it wouldn't be the first time he'd gone to the cinema alone, Ianto wanted to share the experience with _someone_. He invited Toshiko first, but she was working on repairing a piece of alien tech that had been giving her trouble and didn't want to lose her train of thought by taking a break. That left him with no choice but to ask Owen and Gwen. They weren't exactly mates, but the sad truth was he didn't really have any friends outside of Jack and Tosh. Not anymore, not since Canary Wharf.

To his surprise, they both agreed to join him. Naturally, they also mocked him for it, but neither that nor the sudden downpour could put a damper on his excitement. Unfortunately, they hadn't even reached the main feature before Torchwood intruded.

At least this time Jack didn't try to deny his connection to the film that got them involved, even before he had a chance to see it.

When the team made it back to the Hub and Ianto had dug an old reel-to-reel projector out of the archives, Jack surprised him by telling them about what they were watching--no deflections, no denials, only a single half-hearted attempt at a glib comment. More like a briefing than anything he'd come to expect from Jack where his past was involved. Not much in the way of personal details, it was true, and he was certainly more subdued than usual, but it was more than they'd received from him in the past all the same. A history lesson and what little he could tell them about what they might be facing wrapped into one.

No matter what Gwen thought, Ianto knew that local knowledge was in fact what Jack was looking for from him when he sent the others off on separate tasks. Not even Jack would attempt anything more...recreational...at the start of a case that was leaving people in hospital in such an inexplicable condition; he certainly wouldn't try it now, when he'd been making such an admirable effort to respect Ianto's request for a moratorium on their personal relationship. What Ianto didn't expect was for his question about what these Night Travellers were to be met with a more personal reminiscence of Jack's time with a travelling show.

The secret part of him that longed to mean as much to Jack as Jack did to him reared its head, and Ianto ruthlessly shoved it back in its cage. For now, the important thing was to listen to whatever Jack wanted to tell him. And yes, the one question he asked was dismissed with a "long story"--which may have even been the truth--and what Jack did tell him was inconsequential in the grand scheme of things, but what mattered was the telling of it in itself.

They ended up working fairly closely throughout the case, and working well. It was gratifying to have Jack trust him to such an extent professionally, regardless of the state of their personal relationship. Feeling like a valued part of the team had been less of a problem since Jack had run off with the Doctor and left them to discover just how much he'd been doing on his own after hours, forcing even Owen to accept that they'd no choice but to allow Ianto to take on more responsibility, but even so it was rare for him to be the one out in the field conducting interviews while the others stayed back at the Hub doing research. And though Ianto enjoyed research, and knew he was good at it, part of him resented the way everyone seemed to assume only Gwen was capable of talking to witnesses and victims.

Christina would never have been comfortable with Gwen's interview style. Someone like her, who'd been in care nearly her entire life, had likely had her fill of false sympathy and patronising assurances. And at her age, she would probably have no qualms about saying so. She hadn't needed someone to tell her everything would be all right whether it was true or not; she'd needed someone who would listen, that's all.

Unfortunately, the case did not end well. Ianto couldn't help feeling responsible for the deaths; if he'd been quicker, if he'd kept hold of the flask, if he'd somehow managed to catch it sooner, all those people might have lived. He couldn't stop thinking of that as he wrote his report or filled out the archival data form for the flask and turned it over for storage in the secure archives.

By the time Gwen had taken off claiming plans with Rhys, he still hadn't been able to stop thinking about it; he had, however, realised he wanted to talk it over. With Jack. It may not do anything to resolve his guilt, but it usually helped at least a little. And, frankly, Ianto missed him. Maybe it was time to accept that Jack at least cared enough to try and address his concerns, and that could be enough.

Once even Tosh had left for the night, Ianto allowed himself to drift up to Jack's office, ostensibly to see if he wanted another coffee. To his surprise, Jack was actually doing paperwork despite not having been reminded even once. To his greater surprise, Jack turned down the offer of coffee and told him he could go for the night.

"How do you all do it?" Ianto asked instead.

"Do what?" Jack asked, hardly looking up from the report in front of him.

"Just...go on, after a day like today."

Jack looked at him, surprised. "This is hardly the first difficult day you've seen since joining Torchwood, Ianto. It's not even close to being the worst. Where's this coming from?"

"I know it's not, I just.... I can't stop thinking about that little boy. If I'd been faster, not let the Ghostmaker take the flask from me, that boy's parents and sister might still be alive. Instead, his whole family's gone, and he'll never even really know what happened to them. Maybe it would have been kinder if we hadn't saved him, either. He's so young, and now his whole life could be ruined because we weren't good enough, because we couldn't save the rest of them."

"You can't think like that, Ianto. You have to focus on the ones we do save, not those we can't. If you don't, you'll never get out of bed in the morning. Trust me, I know. It isn't easy, but if you don't, if you give up, you can't save anyone at all."

"I suppose...."

"Don't suppose, _believe_. I've been there, Ianto, I understand how you're feeling right now. I really do. And I also know how good you are at your job, and how much you hate feeling like you've let anyone down. But this is one area where my many, many years of experience actually do mean I know better than you do, and I'm telling you, there was nothing you could have done differently. Hell, we wouldn't even have known there was a case at all until the first victims were found if it weren't for you. Without that hour's head start, there might have been even more people lost. Remember that."

"I'll try," he conceded, despite doubting it would do much to make him feel better. "I know that doing this job means having to make hard decisions, but does it ever get easier? Knowing we can't save everyone, and may even make things worse?"

"The day you find that aspect of Torchwood 'easier', Ianto Jones, is the day I force you to retire," Jack said fiercely. "You're right, we do what has to be done despite the consequences. But it should _never_ be easy. You're not like Holroyd and Guppy; you're a good man, even after everything you've been through, and if the job changes you _that_ much, you'll no longer belong here. Torchwood would have truly broken you."

And just like that, Jack once again made all Ianto's doubts about their relationship disappear without even trying. It wouldn't last long--it never did--but he could at least enjoy the warm glowy feeling while it did. The fact Jack could see him as "a good man" even after everything he'd done, combined with the faith he'd shown in Ianto professionally of late, might just be the sign of trust he'd been looking for, even if it didn't take the form he'd thought he needed.

Besides, given Ianto's life expectancy, even if they ended things now it was probable Jack would be the last person he was ever with. Did he really want to spend the rest of his pathetically short life alone just to stand on principle?

Put like that, the answer was simple.

"Come back to mine?"

That got Jack's attention, all right. His pen fell to the desk, forgotten. "Are you sure? Don't you need space to think?'

"Had that," he shrugged. "And...you were trying, this week. You even volunteered information about your past that was connected to the case. I told you I wasn't asking you to change, yet you did anyway."

"I know you didn't; that's why I wanted to try. Clearly this was important to you, but all you asked for was time. Most people would've made demands, and yeah, I probably would have just said 'forget it'. But not you. Which made me want to give you what I could."

"Don't think I didn't notice. It means a lot to me, just knowing you heard what I'd said."

"I did. But, Ianto, I don't know that I'm ever going to be able to open up the way you want me to. I've tried that in the past, and it's never ended well for me. Even with--maybe _especially_ with--the people I thought I could trust with everything."

"And if you get burned enough times, it becomes difficult to un-learn the lesson. I understand. I'm not asking for everything, and certainly not all at once. I just want you to--well, to try, like you did yesterday. Baby steps, yeah? In return, I promise not to pry--I'm not Gwen," he added, wanting to lighten the mood a bit.

Jack laughed. "Thank god for that! Can you imagine me and Gwen? Sure, the sex would probably still be great, but we'd have killed each other by now. At least when you and I get that angry at each other, we manage to remember we don't actually want the other dead."

"Of course not!"

"Which is why," Jack continued, reaching out to take Ianto's hand for the first time in nearly two weeks, "you and I make sense. At least, I think we do."

"I'm not sure I'd go _that_ far," Ianto teased, "but for the most part I think we work, at least."

"Good enough. So...is that offer still open? To go back to yours?"

"It is."

"Then just give me five minutes to wrap things up here."

"I'll meet you upstairs. Five minutes."

"And counting."

**Author's Note:**

> I've had this on my hard drive for weeks (if not months!), just waiting for a title. This one had been dismissed early on because when I went back and checked the song it's from to see if there was a phrase I liked better, I realised these three words were about the only thing in the entire song that are appropriate (and I like my quote-titles to make sense for the whole original context, not just the part I use, even though I'm pretty much the only person who would ever _recognise_ the quote/lyric in question). But I've been getting sick of not posting the story, and since I saw Bad Times at the El Royale today and am once again on a Cynthia Erivo high, naturally this song ("What About Love?" from The Color Purple, which I saw a few too many times a couple of years ago because Erivo was Just. That. Awesome.) came back to mind, and since I haven't been able to come up with anything better....*shrug* It won't be the first time I've hated one of my own titles.


End file.
